That's the Way Life Goes

I have to say that there is one category of people whom I really detest: Those who never want to admit their mistake, start pointing fingers at others and never ever realize their mistake. I really find that these people are downright pathetic. They never ever realized that what they did to others was wrong and continue with the mindset that what they have done was justified. These people can be associated with one trait, being that they would often give reasons and long stories as to why they would do something and at times, making other people's mistakes a a reason for theirs. Sometimes I do not see what's so difficult in admitting your mistake and making the effort to change. It bewilders me as to why these people never want to improve their own characters and be a better person for the society. Is it seriously so difficult? If the reason to living isn't to be a better person, then why bother continue living in this world where everyone is striving to be the best for themselves?

Lately, I noticed that people love using this as a reason: You are too sensitive, you are thinking too much. It is such a convenient route of escaping from a situation and on the same side, the blame is pushed to the other person's plate, making him/her look like the petty and immatured one. It is so saddening these people never bothered putting themselves in the shoes of the receiving end. At times, holding on to a belief of our own too tightly may not be a good thing. There is a stark difference between being stubborn and being determined. Holding on to a belief too tightly may just be seen as inconsiderate to the other party's feelings because the person is not aware of the repercussions of his/her actions and insist that he/she is right.

I have a good friend, I thought that she was really a good friend whom I can call my 'soulmate' or 'buddy'. For some reason, she was able to tell me stuff that the whole wide world would deem as wrong and condemn what she was doing. Somehow or rather, this 'soulmate' of mine, decided that ONE-WORD replies are the norm between friends and decides that friends talk this way on the pretext of claiming that she's just being honest with her feelings. Come up with a story that I am making things worst (by asking how your day was and showing concern as a friend?) Honestly, I'm getting so fed up with this 'soulmate' of mine. This isn't even a FRIEND to start things off with, much less a soulmate. How is it possible that a person can be so busy to even have a friend?

I was never accustomed with the fact that I had such a self-centered and selfish friend in my life. I tried my best to be a good friend, a good listening ear. But it turns out that some people have an issue and bites on the belief that they are not doing anything wrong and points a finger at others, with a sentence 'You are too sensitive, you are thinking too much' (this really irks me).

Why do I need a friend like you who only cares about themselves? :)

Today's a good day! Tommorrow's going to be a good day!

Want to know how ungraceful Singaporeans can be? There can be a long long queue at the ATM machine during after office hours and one by one, everyone turns back after they try slotting their card in. Guess the message on the screen: This ATM Service Is Temporarily Unavailable. The best part is that nobody bothers to tell the people at the back as they walk past the queue in the opposite direction. Know what is on their mind? "I queued so long, why should I let you have the 'shortcut' ." And as a result of such ungraceful behaviour, everybody queues for an unavailable ATM machine like idiots. HAHA! And I happened to be one of them in the queue. :)



'You are the answer to the riddle in my mind'

je t'aime :)

At times, I really ask myself why did I have to bother to do so many things for you.

I had this premonition that you went for Red Camp. I fell into deep silence because I felt so disturbed that you were at the camp and your phone was engaged for the whole day that I was trying to contact you. You ignored my messages although I asked where you were. I sat down on my chair and tried to calm myself down but deep down within me, I was furious, I felt so cheated. I remembered that you said that you wanted to find out more about the polytechnic itself but you never went to its Open House, neither did you bother finding out about the Open House dates. You claimed that you were unaware of the fact that polytechnics have Open Houses (seriously, who will believe you? It is everywhere that Polys, Universities have open houses to attract incoming students), even if there was a case of an Open House not widely publicized, it'd be more probably a Junior College's. So how am I supposed to believe you? You suggested that you were going for the second half of the first day of the Red Camp because you wanted to find out about the courses which I thought was absolutely reasonable and great. But today, I had to discover that you went for the Red Camp already. Why do I always feel that you are always having me on? First, you created such a lousy lie about getting to know about the Open House schemes that polys have planned and now you are spinning another tall tale about your purpose of attending the Red Camp.

Just last night, you walked off without even saying anything while I rested my forehead on my fingers to give myself a break from all the stress that you were giving me. You even had the cheek to say that I asked you to make a move first (and was I supposed to go back home alone although we are taking the MRT in the same direction?) Seriously, I wonder what is going through your mind to even be doing such a thing. Something that I could not understand why you even half-raised your voice at me like you were on the verge of crying when you said that you didn't have sufficient money to top up your card, but you DO HAVE enough to buy a standard ticket to ferry yourself back home. You always felt that I would have more things to blackmail you about because you owed me money but when have I ever done that? All that I requested for was for you to be more grateful with the way you treat me and not only be nice to me just after you receive any form of help, thereafter, you start reverting back to your old temperaments (like a timed-bomb). Seriously, is this too much to ask for from you when I never ever hesitated to help you? You always claim that it is relating to your financial affairs, but have you ever looked deeper into the lines? I justt want you to be happy and not worry about having to fall short of cash? I cannot believe that a person can be so persistent with giving reasons when he/she is obviously in the wrong. You claimed that you felt so humiliated and hurt by me but think closely, I never engineered my style of talking to you to the side of hurling personal insults and verbal humiliation. I merely used all the hurting things that you said and repeated them in an ultra sarcastic manner right back into your face. You always claim that you are the one who is upset, bullied, oppressed. You have always claimed yourself to be the 'victim' of the consequences of anything that has happened and also always the incessant party who says "I give up" as though you have tried your best and I have failed you. I was writing a post halfway this morning after reaching camp after the whole sagacity of this incident but I realised that I did not feel strongly enough to churn out an entry (it probably suggested that this does not affect me too much) but after hearing that you attended the Red Camp, I felt so inspired to write something like this.

All the talking out of goodwill in pleasant circumstances never worked on you. I used to think that you probably would learn better by the hard way but it never happened the way I wanted it to turn out. Instead, you turned rebellious and went into crazy frenzies of anger. Now that I tried to use the soft approach, I tried looking for a suitable opportunity to talk to you in the nicest tone that I could ever find in my personality but IT STILL NEVER WORKED. I only felt that you understood there and then and thereafter, you forget everything that I said to you and you start behaving as though I never made mention about those things that I have said to you that faithful night.

I have been waiting by my phone hoping to receive your replies but I have been waiting in vain. I know that you have no damn obligation to tell me that you were intending to go for the Red Camp, but somehow I have this silent expectation of you that at least you would just tell me since I expressed some unhappiness over this Red Camp issue. Moreover, for the fact that you went for the camp today makes your motive and agenda very clear.

At times, I ask myself, why was I so foolish to continue things with you when it was so obvious that things were not working out and there was a better option there waiting for me to experience it, but have you ever asked yourself whether you should PULL UP YOUR SOCKS and be aware of who may be losing or dealing with? NOOOOOOOOO! You did not, instead, the monster temper came and you gave me a harder time with all your 'skeptism' and 'it is unbelievable that you would like me'. Oh please, why do you even behave this way and what the hell is even in your god damn head to even behave this way?!! I tried putting this across to you in the best of mannerism and you just conveniently ignored this. How can you even not be aware of the situation and you even get fed up. Come to think of it, I gave J up and your temper got from WORSE to HOPELESS, this is RIDICULOUS!! What the fucking hell?!?! You did not even know the stakes that I was gambling with and you conveniently just lose your temper to your whimps and fancy (you don't even behave like a grown up to start things off)

You have always complaint that I was writing about her, now that I'm writing about you, are you pleased to see your name appearing everywhere in my sentences just that it is so hidden from the naked eye? You always say that I write in such a way that J is so perfect and good, you are probably going to complain that I am not writing anything good about you. Come on, get fucking real, you do not expect someone to write something nice about someone else when the other person has done nothing good right? If you really want to have a good impression in other people's eyes, do something to earn it, don't just complain in envy without even realising what it takes to be in their situation (Don't even bother getting angry, it gets you nowhere).

I really hope that you are just behaving like this towards me and you are much different towards other people. Happy knowing all the people at Red Camp. Since you have made such a move, I don't think I want to see you again, neither would I want to turn back and talk to you ever again. I don't think you have the right to say "I give up" because you NEVER EVER tried. The moment you are encouraged to try, your fingers start pointing at me and start questioning me why am I not putting in the same level of commitment.

Honestly, I'm tired of explaining things to you. It is just me talking to the wall, the blockhead wall.

I don't hate you for my loss of chance to be with J, but you are just not worth it.

Damn mistake.

As I was walking into office today, the song 'Vanilla Twilight' was playing on my iPod, it was accompanying me on my long and boring walk into ISG. The song had a beautiful melody which painted a picture of a guy and a girl in each other's arms, sitting under the moonlight and just enjoying the night together, with the stars shining so brightly for them in the sky, it just made a perfect night.

I thought of this as I was listening to the song:

The spaces between my fingers is right where yours fit perfectly.
This is what's left of you in my mind - a blurred image of you, in my memories it will stay.
As I listen to the melody of Vanilla Twilight,
I wish the other earpiece was in your ear,
This way we could enjoy the song together,
You can hear what I'm listening to
and feel what I'm feeling,
like how two hearts would connect with each other.
If only my voice could go back to the past,
I'd whisper into your ears that I never wanted to let you go.
My heart yearns for you to fill the empty space which completes me.
The nights are always so different and empty without you,
because I know I won't be waking up in the mornings knowing that I'm yours,
I could forget the whole world that I'm living in, but,
I swear that I would never forget you.
I could sit on the front porch,
under the shimmery of the moonlight,
and think of you tonight,
because it makes me feel not alone.
I really wish you were right here by my side.

Anyway, apart from all these deep-felt stuff, I got my SAT results back today.

I felt so shocked when I saw my results. I owe my bad results to the fact that I never gave myself a timed-practice when I was preparing myself for the exam and often gave myself maximum time to optimize my scores. As a result, I did not make the mark for SMU's requirement and I feel totally AWFUL about myself.

I feel that I have been making so many mistakes in my life. I would remember the most recent one: I dropped the girl whom I was waiting for years. More importantly, people in my life aren't exactly giving me a good time and they make me feel so dispensable. To top it all, I cannot even do the SAT properly, get a good score and use it to back my university application up. I feel awfully useless, it feels that nothing is going right in my life now.

If only you knew what my heart must do for you. I just realised that once the chance slips us by, there is this possibility that it will never come by in our tiny lives anymore. Just like I let that happen to me, I let this chance which I held so close to my heart for so long and never had the courage to make a decision to go for what I wanted.

I have been trying to maintain this composure that a guy ought to have, as our would gender suggests, we portray an image of composed, calm, rational, gentlemanly etc. The funniest part about this is that these four qualities are so deep in meaning as compared to the simplicity that the spelling shows. I struggled immensely with myself when I tried to be all those four qualities mentioned. I was at odds with myself, I was in a dilemma with myself about being someone guided by principles or being someone who goes for what he wants. Then popped the question about being a bastard who chooses the wrong moments to jump the line when in the first place, the girl whom he was waiting for for over two years came knocking on his door and he turned his back on her.

It got me pretty exhausted to be fighting myself all the time that I desperately wanted to take a break and a great escape from all these. I stopped thinking about all these things for so long but I guess that I was just running in circles this whole time and I was getting myself nowhere after all these days have passed me by.

I have to admit that I never knew how to really love a girl and always put my interests at heart before anything else. I was self-centered, naive and caught myself in a spiral of unhappiness which I could never extract myself from. It still remains vividly in my memory how I first met her. My first impression of her was just a plain Jane, simple girl who loves to laugh alot but then, a part of me already wanted to see her another time and I pretended to be cool about her being at my cousin's 21st when in fact, I was leaping with joy inside me. Ironically, I can forget what I had for lunch just yesterday but I could remember every single outing that I had with her, where we went and stuff. Most importantly, the feeling still remains so fresh inside me and I feel it everyday. 

It was heavenly to be with someone second to none when everyone you see in town. Honestly speaking, in terms of appearance, she was so different from the girl I desired to be with, as what we call our 'dream partner'. Nevertheless, that never crossed my thoughts because I was so engrossed with appreciating her character, her personality and stuff.

I told myself, I'm going to remember every single moment that I spent with her because I never knew when the next opportunity would come knocking on my door and I glad, I really did. I also have to admit that I was really shocked when I found out that the guy who was with this girl was my CCA junior. Many people retorted "SO what?", the point lies herein the fact that it was someone so unexpectedly close to you, someone you knew who jumped the line. On the surface, I was saying 'YEAH, they are blessed, it's cooool' but in my mind I was chanting 'fuck it, fuck it'. I have to admit that I handled it pretty badly and my actions were nowhere near 'qualities of a gentleman'. I screwed up. 

Now, here I am, writing this after more than a month, it seems so overdued that I'm writing all these. At least, I am able to say with composure when I see a photo of both of them 'My, they are sweet together, hey that guy is sweet' while last time, I would be going 'fuck this bastard..' Improvement?. Somehow my mind simply refuses to let go of anything.

Honestly, it feels like the person is still hanging around in my life although she has clearly made her exit.

Man, why am I writing all these. Now that I have written all these, it feels weird thinking about what I just wrote. Rats!

During the genting trip, there was this particular part of the trip where I remembered the best. The group of us, Junius, Javier, Terence, Doline, Chun Lih, David Tng, Jun Yuan, Leon, we walked down the slope from our hotel where it was a chilly 15 deg with the cold breeze blowing past us. We decided to have coffee together at 2am and I felt the warmth of having coffee together around a small rectangle table where everyone would snuggle up against each other and enjoy hot coffee while the cold wind was still blowing outside of Old Town White Coffee House. It was really a very lovely moment when everyone gathered, chatted about their lives in Singapore, talked about themselves, the rides we took, our trip to KL, food we ate, people we saw, dress sense of the Malaysians which we thought were peculiar. I told myself, this was better than the serial drama 'Friends' where 6 of them would gather at Central Perks for coffee every evening and hang out. I did not realise that it was hard to keep everybody gelled together and it was not near possible that we could hang out on weekends as the 'Genting Gang'. It sounds childish, but I really appreciate these buddy bonds. One thing happened after one another and honestly, I'm also pretty exhausted by most things happening around me.  

Lately, I have been stuck in the middle. I have been very apprehensive about making decisions. I fear the reprecussional effects of my decisions and am just afraid of bearing the consequences. I just realised the power of illusions and how happy fantasies can make a person. Nevertheless, the relationship between the illusion and reality can be illustrated by the tortoise-and-the-hare analogy. Illusion - tortoise Reality - Hare. Reality will always catch up with our illusion no matter how far-fetched they get and at the end of everything, we all know that the hare will always reign victory over the slow tortoise.

But I guess when reality is staring straight in your face about something, it is only logical to learn how to accept reality, but as we always say "Easier said than done". More often than not, I have been staring into thin air and wondering why things have became like this. I just feel so numb and lost that I just want to drop everything down from my life and just be really happy, without the shackles of the decisions that I have made in the past and having to bear the consequences in the aftermath of it.

Anyway, yesterday was my grandfather's 83rd birthday! And he's still very healthy and kicking. I just heard from my dad that he goes swimming, brisk walking in the park every morning. It is really really remarkable for someone at that age to be still so healthy.

Here's a photo of our whole family together:





I know I have always been uploading many crappy shots and funny photos but I just lost the mood recently. Until I regain my old self, till then.

It's been so long since I last wrote in my journal. And there are so many things happening in my life. I have been transferred from SMTI to OETI, made new friends despite the cultural shock of the way things are being conducted, life became regimental once again and I survived it very well. I decided to walk separate ways from the person whom I used to call my girl. And now as I sit here and listen to the song that 'someone' sent to me, I really asked myself, what I was thinking, why didn't I grab that opportunity when she told me that she was ready to move one step further with me. I can't understand what I was thinking at that time.

Now that I see the person I have been waiting for with my NCC junior, it just gives a double killing effect for the very fact, I do know the guy and he is now with her. They are now into things, she gives him her first official kiss to the boy whom she feels the sparks with. He's really a blessed guy because she is really indeed a great girl to be with.

I can still feel the memories living vividly in my mind as I see the reindeer-in-a-bottle-of-water for my christmas present last year. I really like things that she makes on her own, just makes me feel her sincerity and effort that she places in things that she does. But as I look at the jar that she gave me, I can only re-collect the two simple days I had with her, as usual, simple days are always the best.

The worst part is that the guy who once congratulated me when I received my rank promotion is dating the girl I like for two years after barely knowing her for months. I liked her for two years, and only dared to express it once or twice because I always feared that she will feel uncomfortable and uneasy which may in turn drive a wedge in between our friendship, and I never wanted that to happen. But after a few months, POP POP, he is with him and she is going GAGA over him. I always feel that we need to know how it is like to not have someone when we want that person badly, then we will know how to appreciate the presence of that person. This is just so unfair. I know I only have myself to blame.

I'm thinking, WHAT If I made a different decision back then? Would things be different and so much better than how it is now? I thought that by having busy days, I would be able to take my mind off that 'someone' but I realised that I'm so wrong. Things never gotten better and I was just deluding myself into thinking that I really could switch my mind off.

So many a times, I am so tempted to tell her that there are exceptions that guys won't like girls who are already attached but I always counter-question myself - Who am I to say this now? I had my chance, I chose to leave it. But honestly, I feel so miserable as I hear how she kissed him blah blah blah, how he is going to her house when I only could see her house from a distance when I sent her home at night.

What If, What If, I took the other option back then.

Now that I'm turning 19 in a few days' time, I ask myself what do I really want at 19.

I still remembered what happened during my 17th birthday. It was really a pleasant surprise.

Now that I'm already 19, things are so different.

Oh man. I don't want to turn 19.

Sometimes life's just so ironical,things that we badly want to happen never really happens but the worst always comes our way when we are particularly at our lowest. At every juncture we face in life, we always are placed in a situation whereby we are cornered into making decisions which more often than not brings us to unforeseen circumstances.

It's a simple illustration when you don't know what you're stepping on ahead of you as you take the next step forward and for all you know, you may be setting foot on a land-mine. But come to think of it, we always do calculate risk and dangers before going forth with our decisions and start weighing the pros and cons of our decided choice. More often than not, it leaves us sitting on the fence, without being able to decide which side of the pasture is greener and which side of the coin is more shiny. Then again, we also have instances whereby we are forced to choose from both disadvantageous choices and the ballgame is changed: Make a decision which brings less harm and unhappiness to oneself.

More ironical than it always have been, at times, we are well-aware of consequences of decisions that we make in our lives; be it good or bad, when wise words sound us out that this choice is unfavourable, we will always have our dear ego on the line which infuses this surmountable strength and determination to prove what we have been hearing erroneous. But along the way with the decision we have made, we often forget how determined we used to be and the strength has just been drained from our inner-self subconsciously. It is then, we start to back track and ask ourselves rhetorical questions like "why on earth am I here?" or "why did I make this decision? If only.." Somehow, when things go wrong in our lifes, we always have so many "If onlys" this and that. 

This words always resonate in our ears, "Don't look back after making your decision, move along with it", but it is probably human nature to always speculate and ponder the consequences of the other decision should we have decided to go along with the other option. It is so ironical that we always think that the other option is always the better one from the one that we are in now. 

Then sometime in life, when we get heated in an argument, we start to wonder why we even got so worked up after every thing's over, we start to brainstorm a thousand and one methods to prevent that disaster from befalling on the situation, words like "we should have, I should have. "start to penetrate our reflective minds and sink into our guilty souls. 

The whole ironical thing about human behaviour is really amazing, when something goes wrong in our life, we often tend to think that everything around us is also going wrong. And surprisingly, as we can't put a valve to it, the magnitude of severity of things start to magnify itself, things become so serious to our inner conscious minds and worries start to flood our troubled self. When this spirals out of control, we start to feel numb about everything, the heart starts to harden and the brain shuts itself out from the world and the happenings. Our mind takes a break, but the burden of the incidents continue to haunt. Unfortunate it can be, our mind fails to generate any solutions nor produce some positive juices to convince ourselves that actually it is only a small matter and things are not as bad as we make it out to be. Self-exaggeration which inflicts self-harm can really be very destructive, if you realise.
 
That's why the saying goes, "We are our greatest enemy"

Independence can be a very ambiguous virtue. It really has a very wide range in terms of varying its meanings. It may be used in doing our own chores, settling our own financial issues, emotional problems etc. But more often than not, when we are down in life, we often yearn for a nice and understanding friend who will be there to empathise with our downcast situation and provide a perk in our lives so we can rise on our feets again;  like how we used to be. That's basically why they say, "That's what friends are for, right?" And we receive a friendly punch. But just as we would love others to be such a stand-by-you soul in our lives, we take our own initiatives to start the ball rolling and hopefully receive the same type of support when we are down. But little did we realise that such contributions does not necessarily earn the same level of commitment back in return. Instead, we may be greeted with indifference and complacency: Our goodwill goes one way and never the other back. Everything from us can be treated for granted and an entitlement. And when we do ever try approaching the person for some support, we will receive a realists as a supporter with words that haven't gone through the mince-meat machine. Words that can penetrate through your vulnerable heart and trample on your already battered state of mind and everything's attributed to : INDEPENDENCE.
Isn't it so amazing how much this word INDEPENDENCE can mean in different situations to a bothered and self-centered soul?

Some wise soul told me "What makes you, breaks you". I seriously did see a meaning to it. And many forms of unhappiness in life is often caused by the unwillingness of the mind to accept changes.

"He who learns to accept will be better off"

But we also learn that it is more always more difficult to act it out than it is to say it. We also have to understand what it really takes to "ACCEPT" because the 6-lettered word is so harmless on it's own. And this harmless word is often translated in tough situations where we often have to swallow things that we don't like down our throats and in some cases, forced down our throats and the word "ACCEPT" becomes the only form of consolence and solution for a  happier livelihood in whatever situations we are entrenched in.

So to say, what are friends really for? Asking you to be independent when you are under mental torment while you try your best to be a good friend when he/she is riding through the rocky periods of their lives? Perhaps.

I guess that's how we grow, how we mature, how our thinking starts to evolutionalise from a naive and think-I-know-it-all kid to someone who knows their capabilities and put it to good use in their lives. We grow being INDEPENDENT and learning how to accept the worst things that can even happen in our lives.

Simultaneously, we learn our selfish nature of our friends and how self-centered humans can be.

That seriously is a golden lesson in life we should always keep etched in our hearts because it is usually the hardest lessons we learn that we often remember for good.




 

I probably should have realised the interconnection between humans and education. There is always this general trend that one tends to act more rationally with higher education levels and their thoughts are behaviour are usually governed by logic and ration, on the other hand, humans with lower education often tend to have low self-esteem and tend to behave irrationally without any form of reason behind their actions. 

I do not usually have a incessant habit of looking at these people with elitist's eyes but at times, such disgusting behaviour can be so overwhelming that it can really be a turn off. Any one who passes the criterias of the test is given the authority of being a leader. But this ambiguity is very apparent everywhere we go: How suitable is this person as a leader? Does he possess the aptitude of  being a leader and the emotional stability and sense to lead? It's just like anyone wearing an officer rank is commissioned for a purpose: TO LEAD, whereas all the others are just given with experience, but this does not exactly confer them with the ability to lead. Some just rise up the hiearchy due to their loyalty in service but in actual, they don't really have much other substance in them.

With education comes greater wisdom, at least, humans with a decent level of education tend not to be frivolous and irritable with the way they carry themselves.

At times, I really wonder what goes through their livewires to even utter certain things which a person in a right level of intellect will never even think of saying. It continues to bewilders me how some lower lifeforms can be so oblivious to opinions of them and condescending stares falling on them. They continue in their state of arrogance and enter a whirlpool of thoughts where they think that they obestinately insist on things which are so out-of-the-world to any normal human beings. 

They can even bring themselves to behave in a un-self-conscious way and do flippant things which blatantly illustrates their level of intelligence. Even their attempts to prove a point in a sarcastic way can be so bad that it is rewarded with a cynical snigger from eyes of passer-bys. Their methods are just too incompetent and the hilarious thing is that they think that they have done a good job in putting a person down and making the other party guilty of themselves. But little do they know, the effect is always the exact opposite: They are being mocked at and does not even affect the slightest bit of us. 

And when this happens, they start to maximise their authority. But the fact today is that good leaders are charismatic even though they are not physically charming. But their way around with their team-mates are commendable and they usually have good calamadarie with their men. That would be how an educated leader would think. They win respect instead of demanding. The god damn amphlet in the middle of their chest is just a statement that they have undergone courses but that doesn't mean that they have what it takes to lead.

It is indubitable that respect has to be given to the amphlet that they are wearing since that's the way the institute functions. But then, again, respect is won when the authority is exerted for a good cause and not for personal gains and oppression against others.

Perhaps I can conclude that these people are just lower-lifeforms. They self-assume humans without any respect for human beings and do not even bother to purse their lips knowing that they already look like an animal. They do not have basic etiquettes and morales infused into their daily lives, so how different are they from animals that we see in the Singapore Zoological Gardens? Aren't they just animals with the ability to speak?

Pathetic lower-lifeforms I have to say, really pathetic, without a place in the society that leaves them a choice to go under protected shelters where they can abuse their authorities and oppress against those who are doing mandatory duties. Total losers I would say, they are more than half way into their coffins yet their brains have not developed.

How sad right? Especially when they lack pleasant physical appearance and still have the cheek to step out of home (that's commendable), but it is alright. I was taught not to discriminate against people who don't look like humans, but at least, act like one. It makes the camouflage less offensive to other normal humans who can never accept such inhumane people walking around like gorillas.

Cheers.

I have to say, life's plagued with too much intricacy lately. Things around me are getting the better of me and it's a matter of time that I crumble under the pressure placed on me.

I start to imagine my friends in OCS while I'm stuck in a place of nowhere without any direction that I can foresee and define. All the hassle that I have been going through with issues regarding to my medical conditions. I need to go through check ups, screening of the fussy medical officer from china (in camp) who will give me excuse sheets with maximum stinginess. His hesitation and skeptical indifferent stares just make me feel worst each time I have to go back to the medical center.

Everything's just moving on so slowly which makes me feel worst about having no direction in life now.

NTU's rejected me way beyond the appeal date which clearly suggests me not having a place and this sucks totally because my friends around me have already gotten their places in university. It's like they have a future already, they have already stepped in to an open door while all doors  have  been  shut on me. I think about the application issues and the course I want to do, and the chances of me getting in is so uncertain. It's like when I look into details of things I am worried about, I start to become more skeptical about seeing myself having a place in the future and feel more defeated each time I try to iron things out in my head.

Things are just so wrong and I feel so lost.

Probably it has dawned on me of late that I should really treasure what I have around me, especially people who care and people I care for: My family, my girlf, my friends and people around me.

It feels like the end of things and the world, I should start releashing all that I have to love what I have around me for there may not be another chance for a second go at it. I feel my heart sinking as I think back about everything else that has happened to me and how things have changed uncontrollably.

Things around me has changed, people have walked away for the moment and some for good. I wish I was as strong to embrace all these and accept that all that is happening is just part and parcel of everything we go through in life. But everytime I think back, I get the sinking feeling like there's no bottom to it.

I really wish things could go back to normal, how it used to be: filled with laughters and brain-numbing jokes, L4D sessions after camp hours and screaming in LAN shops like we own that place when we are in trouble in the game.

Somehow, I miss the irritating part of them, the braggy and showy attitude that can set you on your nerves can actually be quite memorable.

I don't know what to do to entertain myself either.

There's been lots of work for TSS at camp and it just occurred to me that life isn't going to be so fun without them around, lif eused to be fun with them around doing work together, staying back into the night to do nonsense, but the after-camp part is always the most rewarding.

'Life's just a plain sentence with nothing to it. But the people you meet brings out the colours and joy in life, which really makes the sentence part of an interesting story with a happy ending.'

I guess things spiralled out of control lately, so much so that I had lost track of what solutions are available now.

Course's starting, which signifies I don't get to come home everyday like now. I went to the medical center this afternoon to find myself nostalgic to my Tekong days. The doctor certified me fit for the course though I have a knee problem, in fact, both knees. I don't know whether I'm supposed to be pleased or disappointed that I'm fit for the course. It's like a stigma that every time I exit the medical center, nothing good comes out of it, I usually come out with disappointment greeeting me.

One part of me wants to go for it and not OOC again like I did in Tekong, but the other part of me reminded me that the people around me in the course would be freaking weirdoes with weird  brains growing in their heads. I've seen those people and I know they aren't normal people. I really wished that JJ and gang was going for the same course as me, we'd all be in the same platoon and have loads of fun because of his jokes and long's idiotic mistakes. Life could be really awesome with your close friends around with you.

But things are all so different now, I walk into CMM and all I see are alien and strange faces sitting on chairs which the previous TSS group used to sit on, we even have our own personal chairs, let's say JJ would like this chair, chiang would occupy two chairs (one for his butt, and the other for his leg) and LONG would be just looking around for chairs like me. Everyone has their own habits and traits that they left  behind in CMM office and now it's so different seeing strange faces on familiar chairs, it's like a verbal irony.

The ridiculous thing is that I have to be with ISSAC for the course and he does nothing but eats all day, he's anti-social and doesn't hang out with us at all. He uses his leave to sleep while we play soccer together on an afternoon off. i still can recall the first time we all went out together as a group for soccer. It was lots of fun although there were injuries to G-spots. Guys will always be guys when they are together.

I just wonder why I'm always a social butterfly. I always wanted legs to land with a group of friends whom I'm really comfortable with and it's really difficult to find someone or even a group of friends you're really comfortable with. And just as I found my spot to land myself comfortably, they have to scoot off to somewhere called TEKONG, the land of all troubles.

As I looked at the Sign In and Out Book, I no longer saw the usual names before my name anymore, instead I see weird names which I'm not even interested in knowing at all. Everything's so strange and alien to me now.

Who's left? Wai and CPL Tan. The vibe's gone and laughter's lost.

Morale's totally low for me. Plus, my dilemma for starting the course is really compounding all the bad things to me in a single day. It used to be 8 of us walking back from the cookhouse along the sheltered path to the  basement with air-con, now it's down to 3. It's  became very quiet that the silence is really deafening.

Worst, the darklord's back. Damn him, why didn't INDIA airlines crash. SIGH.  

Oh my,

outlook for next week:

- No more laughters at CMM office

- No more ball-throwing games in CMM office

- No more nap sessions

- No more canteen breaks together

- No more lunch-breaks at the cookhouse

- No more pull-ups training together

- No more L4D gaming after camp hours

- No more BITCHING AROUND DURING LUNCH HOUR

Imagine something, all these things have been making you for who you are, all these things have all to be stopped, what will be left of yourself? At least for me, I have to admit I am really sad that my friends in CMM will be leaving for Tekong next Monday and it certainly isn't nice to walk into CMM office not seeing the usual bunch of people rocking around on the chairs, bitching around during lunch hour. I won't be seeing the names of those reaching camp at 0700. I always told myself and held on to this saying that it's people who makes the place for what is. They alleys we walked are so different because of jokes that we have cracked and laughters that we fill the air with.

When I saw their names under SVC MEDIC TRAINEES, I was quite pleased because I needed my friends to really carry the boring life out to an interesting path that I would enjoy as a trainee. Moreover, the life that we are having now is really too comfortable for a soldier and indefinitely, I won't be able to adjust myself back to military school life.

I have to commend and bring someone up, He's called LAU J J (we always call him LAME J J) because the jokes that he crack is always brain-numbing and he can really make people laugh with his wits. Bad news: He's going back to TEKONG.

It just struck me that life's going to be so different without my friends around in camp when I'm so used to knowing that I would be seeing them the next morning. I'm not saying they are all perfect people, there are idiots and worry-warts within us.

On a positive note, a treat after a day at camp :


I'm probably a sugar-lover but BakerzIn promotes their cheesecake at 50% OFF every month. And every month, they will be promoting a different flavour. I remembered I ate the OREO CHEESECAKE in March with Xueling and I really liked it, the cheesy taste was just right and the oreo taste was really really sweet. Sweetilicious. Original Price: $6.50 per slice (excluding GST and Service Charge) Haha! It's worth a try especially with the 50% OFF!



Here's the cheesecake (:

And.



i have to say I really enjoyed the strawberry Jam on top of the cheesecake and this picture was meant to make you DIZZY! HAHA!

And here's a cheesecake from ME to YOU:



I'm giving you my favourite cheesecake with sincerity. (:




Just something special that I saw while dining on Sunday afternoon.

I really don't have much left to say.

And.

I dread going back to camp on Monday knowing that everyone's gone.

I announce with lots of remorse that my dear camera is damaged because i pried the battery out with force althought I knew i inserted in the wrong way.

So you can expect no pictures to be uploaded for the time being, I feel so empty without pictures on my post.

Anyway, I was watching Marley And Me on my iPod with LONG and it just dawned upon me that there are many people/things which brought us through the toughest times and the happiest times of our lives. And that person/thing will gradually become a part of you. When someday, that part of you is taken away from you, you'd feel so helpless and lost, just like how I teared as Marley was put to sleep in the movie. I had the movie encore for 4 times already and I still feel my heart sinking whenever I watch that part.

But as we say, 'Life still moves on' but naturally, we will want to move on with memories, beautiful memories.

I have this interesting saying: If everyone gives, everyone receives. (:

Somehow I don't want my friends to just leave one by one just as we started building up bonds with each other. IN fact, I really do love being with my current group of friends but the saddest thing is that they are leaving soon. This very fact makes me very unmotivated for my upcoming course.

TIme flies when you're doing something you really enjoy. It really does.

Honestly, my day did not start off as well as I wanted it to. I forced the camera battery in and had to pry it out and in the end, guess what I got? A spoilt battery which did not give my camera power to switch on. I initially intended to snap shots during my MUSEUM outing but I was left with nothing, I certainly have no camera phone because I'm in the army. =/

Nevertheless we intended to visit a few places, of which I can name off-hand: Botanical Gardens, Pernakan Museum, Singapore Arts Museum blah blah (WE never went to any of those places).

THE initial plan was to take a bus at ORCHARD MRT but the moment we arrived, all our plans were aborted. HAHA. Instead, we toured WISMA ATRIA as usual. I showed my dear a few watch faces that would suit her, I do hope she'd get the right one for herself (:

WE saw something and thought it was pretty creative again.


 


As you all would have realised by now, THE GSS IS IN TOWN and all places  are slashing their prices without hesitating. And this potted plant was part of a recent project to refurbish the roads of TOWN to make it feel more homely and enhance the embellishments of surroundings. This sign particuarly caught my attention because it kind of suggested that SINGAPOREANS are more often than not likely to BUY ANTHING THAT THEY see along the way. HAHA good inference? This may also confer SINGAPOREANS of the title of being KIASU and probably suggesting the intensity of this year's GSS in retrospect to last year's. :D

Grab a few pieces of new T-shirts or Jeans during this GSS, you're in for GOOD OFFERS! 

Look at this:




GUYS, recognise this courtesy lion that you seen from PRIMARY schools? I guess it's the PROMOTE COURTESY campaign which obviously explains the cute LION standing in TOWN. The MURALS are pretty useless huh? (They are just beside me)
 

So what really happened to our MUSEUM outing? A picture speaks a thousand words:


 

Don't laugh at this dance move, it's really how you're supposed to do it. (: SHE learnt it from me. Anyway, here's a short history about how we even started arcade games. We were thinking of doing something crazy to perk up a boring weekend and decided to embarrass ourselves for the day. AND PARA PARA's actions are really quite funny and queasy to look at, some may chuckle or even snigger. BUT, if you don't care about what others are thinking, embarrassing yourselves can make your day (:

PARA PARA is also  known as swinging your arms with style and in hokkien SEH (:

Anyway, I was walking past NUM store and I wanted this so much



LOOK at the array of apparels and great variety of slippers in store, don't you feel like haivng all those at home in the shoe cabinet at times? You can wear all different types of slippers on different days without repeating any designs. THREE WORDS: SPOILT FOR CHOICE :D

Anyway, while touring the streets of town, we actually saw  a group of youngsters giving out FOC Coke ZERO.  It tasted more like diet coke to me, no difference at all




We'll do them a favour by showing how much we like COCA COLA ZERO HAHA.

And here's an irony.



ONE has totally ZERO SUGAR and the other is FULL of sugar (FAMOUS AMOS cookies are really damn sweeet!)
STARK in contrast huh? It's really irresistibly good that I will get a packet from WISMA everytime I pass by (If I do have enough cash of course)


Presenting to you, the best tea-time snack you can ever get:


 

Want a look at what's inside?



As you bite into the hard crisp, the sweetness will ooze into your mouth as the chocolate melts tenderly on your tongue, HEAVENLY!

Again, we saw something interesting:



Someone vandalised the picture on the walls, BUT the thing is that the picture was quite high up and was pretty incovenient to be able to draw so well even standing on the high curb. I reckon the guy's about 1.9m tall but he really took the effort and trouble to do that. Or maybe he doesn't like Marc By Marc Jacobs.



Anyone recognise this old man? Here's the story of him.
He was here in the streets of town, usually in front of Ngee Ann City performing but he stopped. So my friend joked that he had enough money and could go on a holiday. And now, TA-DAH, he's back. AND it's really quite a feat to be swinging that heavy beads around your neck for the whole day. :D

Here's the highlight. RIbena was promoting their new product: RIBENA and LEMON as seen in the commercial with the indian music playing. And suprisingly, they approached us for a photo with their mascots. And here is it:
 

Here was the photo we took with RIBENA and LEMON. But both of us prefer RIBENA original. It just tastes better with only blackcurrant only (:



LEFTFOOT bazzar. Everýone's rushing to get shoes at discounted prices and of course, my favourite apparel of all: ADIDAS ORIGINALS.
i was so envious that everyone else there could afford shoes and HOODIES sprawled all over the shopping trolleys. WONDER WHY everything's so messy? That's the whole point of a BAZAAR, to give shoppers the feeling that everything's cheap by the way they are arranged. EVEN for M3phosis, things are all not neatly arranged as usual.

While walking, we saw a group of people doing something special :



They were well-coordinated and everything was synchronised. (: But imagine the amount of practice they went through for a short performance like this.

 

It's really vibrant and lively to see so many different types of activities going on in the streets of town. Last weekend I was held up by a Kayaking course at the Beach and it really felt good to be where I usually was with HER during the weekends.


 

SHE refused to admit I had good photography skills. I did this randomly without her knowing while walking (:

I have to say I haven't been to MARINA for quite a number of weeks. And it transformed!





It is just me to be so delighted to see places so nicely decorated and brightly litted up! As you see, everywhere's packed with people. At times, the mall would just  be so secluded and quiet and it doesn't feeel good shopping and walking around at all. But it's so cheerful to be there.

And we had dinner at an outdoor dining area and look at this:




Looks like a typhoon coming? GREAT weather to sleeep :D  It felt nice looking at buildings afar. (: Gave me some peace in return.

After dinner, we had a shoot the ice war. BUT she cheated, she shot RIBENA out of her straw. It was disgusting and FUNNY. IT's been so long since I last had such a hearty round of laughters that I felt exhausted from all the smiles and laughters.

AND not forgetting,



PROUDLY PRESENTS: MUSEUM OUTING GONE WRONG!

It was a nice long day, tiring but well-spent. (:

I promised no sarcasm for today's post (:
 

LOVE you guys!

Yesterday was really an eventful day with one task after another pouring my way. Firstly, I was asked to be the Incoming CMC (Chief Of Medical Corps) and for that, every other warrant officers have to call me 'SIR', it's really interesting to begin things with because i'm at the bottom of the rank hiearchy. Let's skip the part of the rehearsal, I have something VERY INTERESTING for everyone. My friends were at LSTC pretending to be casualties for the future DRs to practice on with paints on their bodies that looked like serious injuries as seen on Mediacorp dramas. LAN games are usually our reward after a heart's day at work.

Presenting to YOU:



This game is really really AWESOME especially if you do ever play with your friends. This is how it goes:  You get two teams of friends, One team can be the zombie and the other can be the SURVIVORS. The whole mission of the survivors is to get to the next safehouse from the one they started with while your friends (the zombies) should try stopping you from getting there by planting attacks along the way. It's really great fun to see how your fun struggles when they are  being attacked by you. Especially the HUNTER, who pounces on you when nobody's looking or everyone's busy fighting hordes of zombies swarming their way = DIE a slow and painful death. HAHA! You should really take note of their faces whenever they are being dragged away or pinned down by the zombies, it  only spells anxiety and frustration especially if one comes after another.

Apart from the gameplay itself, they have nice posters: Here's one:



Really looks like a movie poster huh? HAHA. And that's ME 'Benny as Francis' (really feels like the casts in movies) right? HAHA

 

Go try this game out, although it really spins my head round and round after each session, it's really worth the fun. It's a team-bonding game to me (DEFINITELY NOT AN EXCUSE TO GET CLOSE TO THE OPPOSITE GENDER) as some hypocrites would abuse such an activity.

And, and I prepared a reward for myself.

 

LOOK! it's an OFF-PASS. It's really an important commodity to all army people because it is unlimited! HAHA! It doesn't consume your ANNUAL Leave at all! And you don't  need to bear with the boredom of staying in the afternoooon and face the 3pm slum monster. HAHA.

And before I end off, nobody plays volleyball till they get a swollen knuckle even if you punch the volleyBALL, I just wonder what BALLS some people are punching. I shan't show the picture of the swollen knuckle, lest the person gets offended :D

It's FAMILY DAY !

I should Congrat myself! HAHA. I decided that the previous weekend, I was going to do something for myself and I went for kayaking!

The first drill was a capsize drill. We had to capsize and tap the boat 3 times in the dirty river. HAHA. To top it all, we had to come up with our paddle if not we had to redo it.

We learnt things like a T-X Rescue and it was great fun rescuing my friends in deep waters.

The saddest thing of all, I applied a sun-block lotion on the day without strong sunlight. HAHA. And here's what I got for being smart on the second day of my course:



Hello smart guy (: you're a cooked lobster.


And at the end of the 2-day course :



I have to say, it was really DAMN tiring to kayak for two days, but at the end of everything, I was really a HAPPY BOY!

Of course, lunching at Changi Village's Famous Nasi Lemak in soaking wet clothes wasn't exactly comfortable and wearing wet shoes with sand wasn't pleasant. But that's what you get for water-sports and FOR GREAT FUN (:

Till then, I have to role-play as CMC incoming. DAMN STUPID!

I have always wondered how my 21st Birthday will be like. Will I have many friends coming to my party? Will I even have a party? A big GROUP of friends gathering? Will Jieyong come to my birthday party like before?

And my cousin's 21st Birthday was the first that I ever attended and I had to say, although it was a little cramped and not lavish, it was great and felt the warmth of everyone, be it friends, family or relatives.



Firstly, the entrance really reminded me of the A-GO-GO sisters show by Michelle, Ben and other TV actors on Channel 8. It was the place they had their dancing competition. HAHA. It felt like we were back in the olden days of Singapore where we still had ICE BALLS, ROAD-SIDE stalls and ICE-CREAMS going for 5cents for each cone. It can be quite fun to be a kampung boy though (: But this would strike me more of a rich British in Olden Singapore days.




LOOOOK~! Don't you think the lamps hanging from the ceiling makes the whole place very Western? Somehow I just like being in this type of places of different culture and settings.


I'm going to bring you on a small mini tour of the place we had dinner at. TOUR-GUIDE BENNY on the way, give me tips if you think I'm good okay? Hee.

Ready to Move on?



Here are where we are going to sit people! HAHA our SPECIALLY RESERVED table for FAMILY MEMBERS ONLY! Nearest to the food, (: But there was very homely feeling where everyone just chatted over the dining table.

After dinner, it's the best part. The cutting cake session, where everyone will start singing birthday songs to a 21 year old girl. HAHA. You should have seen her face flushed when everyone clapped and sung in unison.

Here's her WONDERFUL cake.



DID you all see the thick PINK ICING all over the cake? It's actually SOLID SUGAR ICING! OMG it was really really heavenly sweet, so nice that I had to force myself to stop taking the third slice. HAHA. It was really a simple cake liked by almost everyone.


Well the entrance you saw was to the RESTAURANT, there was the main entrance which was meant for diners (public). And it looked better than the one that was uploaded earlier on.





I'm not doing some advertisment here but this place is really coool, simply because it was by the beach. (:



I honestly thought that this way of laying out a dining place was very creative. The CHEF statue makes the food 'RECOMMENDED BY THE CHEF" and definitely worth a try. Really inviting in fact. And the idea of the chalkboard makes it innovative and the wine bottles stacked nicely beside the statue makes it look elegant. Haha.




I would feel the kid in me if my Party was like that. That's how my party at home was when i was in Kindergarten. HAHA.

OH YA, the outdoor dining by the beach can be quite ROMANTIC!




Sorry I couldn't capture the the beach, it was far too dark! (:



I took this before leaving, I needed to remember the place (: Let's jump right to the FINALE!




HERE's our BIG LOVING Family (:

AND..



HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSSIE! GO FOR MORE ELECTIONS! HAHA!
We were lowering ourselves. (Pss, she isn't TALLER than US)

:D

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MUMMYS! Haha I forgot to get my mum a present - she always wants plants. She should probably be a gardener instead of playing games at home. Well, we had dinner at UOB Bank Building - SiChuan Chinese Restaurant. It was good food I have to say but here are some highlights of that Sunday evening.



Here is the view of boat quay from the 38th storey of the building. I felt on top of the world while taking this photo. And my camera battery died on me after snapping this shot because I forgot to charge the night before. Well, you don't really get to enter the bank building every other day yeah? It was really a good opportunity to snap a shot from a bird's eye view. It's really quite scenic (at least to me) when you view everything else from above.




Just look at this picturesque view of everything from the 38th storey. I was really captivated by the beauty of the river from this height. Imagine yourself hanging your legs by the window ledge. HAHA not me, I have height phobia. But it really can be quite serene to lean against the window ledge and look out to when you need some peace and space in life. Especially when the night falls and the lighting starts, it's really a ravishing beauty.


In fact, we had our dinner on the 60th storey. It felt like a cargo lift up just that the lift was well-furbished I have to say.



Well, this is what you are going to expect from lifts that service banking executives. First lift that's so special. HAHA my cousin and I were trying to be spidermen on these tic-tac-toe lightings (As though we're doing a mime) (:

I seriously wonder whether it was Mother's Day or Teenager's Day. We continued fooling around in the Restaurant and even in the Building, which you will later realise that it almost got us into trouble! Here are the footages of evidences of our illegal acts.



Okay, it's obvious we aren't the receptionist of the Restaurant but we snuck up on them and pretended to be THEM and flipped through the GUESTBOOK without them noticing. Everything was just an act, we never pranked any of the guests. It would be great fun to though. :D



My, the toilet looks  better than my ROOOOM! 5-star Toilets (:



And this was actually how the Restaurant looked like, it gave everyone a very Chinese feeling like you are back in the olden days with Bamboo shoots as sceneries and even the layout was very Traditional Chinese. It wasn't exactly an apt place for Mother's Day but it was an eyeopener. It felt good dining there, to add on to the beautiful embellishments of the place, we were on the 60th storey and it was really captivating to see boats moving back and forth on Singapore River with lights of Pubs brightly lit through the night.



Look at my cousin John's nonchalant and BO CHUP face. He looked like he has broken all the rules stated on the sighboard. BONUS: We were being watched on CCTV by the guards down at the 2nd level for fooling around on the 38the storey! I have uploaded another of our incriminating acts:



Okay, we tried to pose like the picture hung on the walls beside the lift lobby. My cousin Matthew tried to pose as the little schoolboy while I tried to act cool like the Mother. I didn't really understand the meaning of this portrait but it was great FUN trying to pose as someone else.

Here's something realy AWESOME:




I wonder how my cousin did this. But it looked like we were moving at the speed of light. HAHA. It's totally MADNESS!

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



OUR GROUP PHOTO OF COUSINS! :D
No BIG FAMILY PHOTO!
I told you, it was more of TEENAGER'S DAY!

Nevertheless,
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MUMMY!