That's the Way Life Goes

 I guess when some things are not meant to be yours, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, they will never come to you. On the other hand, when some things are meant to be yours, no matter how big a round it may take for it to come back to you, it will still be yours at the end of everything. 

I guess that this is just the irony of life, the least expected always happens, while the most anticipated never happens the way you want it to. 

I have tried giving excuses for everything that has been happening but I realized, the fact is that she will never come back. I have really exhausted all my efforts and my energy to try to get someone back who wasn't meant to be mine in the first place. 

I keep on pondering to myself, what if this happens, what if that happens, I held on to the tiny glimmer of hope for the past month that she will turn back some day and somehow the 'right time' will be any time soon, but little did I realize, that 'right time' was never going to come, at least, I didn't see it coming my way, which makes it bad enough. 

I don't know if whatever she said to me came from the bottom of her heart, but after this whole spade of events, I learnt not to trust people's words that easily, especially the girl I'm going crazy over. 

When I saw the two of them holding hands in town, my heart was at my mouth and it stopped beating for a moment. But that was probably wake up call for me, a call for me to move on from the person that stayed in my heart for so long.

Indefinitely, to put a stop to these thoughts in my mind : But.. I liked her for so long, But.. she makes me feel so happy blah blah blah.

Guess all these may just be nonsense to her, so I guess I have to let all these pass me by too.

That's all for now I guess.  

I think I'm fine.

I think I'm good with the way things are.

I have been trying my best to get rid of those feelings, to think about other things but at the end of everything, I realized that I'm always back to square one. You're always on my mind every now and then, it's just so hard to get you out of my head. I've been seeing you in my dreams for the past two consecutive nights and each morning I wake up, I just want to lay in bed and think about the dream that I just had, I don't want to go out and face the world anymore, it just seems so complicated out there.

Just last night, I dreamt of you again, I dreamt that I was by your side while you were doing your homework. I haven't been talking to you for a couple of days and it's already killing my inner souls. Just over a month back, the situation was: I can't even get to talk to the girl that I'm going gaga over. And just over a month later, the situation has became: I'm talking to the girl that I'm going head over heels for but she's letting me go, I stare into blank space and think about what I want to say. I realized that my heart is dead. I don't know what else I can say. It's so much so that you are so upset and heartbroken that you're at a loss for words.

There are times when I feel that my confidence is at its peak, I'd have absolute faith in myself and in things that are going around me. I'll be holding on to the strong belief we will be together someday down the line, simultaneously, the days of hope so bleak sets in soon after. The days seems everlasting, each second and minute is prolonged and the intensity of the disappointment seems to be increasing with the second. Whenever I'm in my moments of confidence, I have this enthusiasm in me that this outlook will continue for the rest of the week or until I get to be with her but I realize that the cycle always brings me back to square one.  

No matter what I do, I know that I'll never be Number One in your heart.

And very soon you will forget about me as I slowly fade away.

Perhaps this is not something bad? Perhaps there's something better coming my way if I can let this person who means so much to me go?

Perhaps Perhaps

I feel like a fool and a complete idiot.

There are so many things that will be possible if you are with me, but I guess we will really never ever get to where I see we should be.

I learn to not trust anything you say.

I want to fly to a place, where nobody knows where I am, where I can start everything anew. Everything's just so messy and going down for me now. It feels like an epic failure where even the person whom you held the most hopes for has even failed you. Go to a place where my feelings will never be hurt and my thoughts will always remain a secret and never made known to anyone, just like how a close book is like.

There's this song by Westlife which goes this way: But if I let you go, I will never know, how my life will be, holding you close to me.

I thought that this song pretty much explains the predicament that I'm stuck in and aptly describes how I'm really feeling now. I guess after everything that I tried to do, things still remain the same. She had the best of both worlds but I don't think she will anymore. She has hurt someone so badly that he will never be able to dare to like someone again only because she means so much to him, more than anything else. After everything that she told him, probably they were just having him on, because at the end of everything, nothing changes, nothing was translated into actions, everything was at best lip service.

He used to treasure everything that she said to him and really remember it for life. But now as this is happening, he starts to have second thoughts about what he used to believe in. He used to think that the girl will only say things she mean but in light of what is happening, is she really living up to what she said? He used to think of her as a perfect girl in his eyes and others were at best second best but now the truth greets him the other way. All those things she said to him, made him smile like a little boy who received his long-awaited toy during his birthday party. But after the party, his parents snatches the present from his tiny hands and said, 'The present was just for show, we borrowed it from our neighbour. GIVE IT BACK!'

Can you imagine how the little boy would feel? FIrst he's as happy as a lark, grinning from ear to ear and all the other things around him starts to smile with him. But with the very next moment?

I only have a few words for the 'He' I was talking about, 'You'll be much stronger after you pull through this and get back up on your feet'. That's the only consolation I can give the boy. The 'He' is the Wise Old Man who used to advice her on things when she stumbled upon. Wise old man isn't old at all, but  a little wise..

I wish I could ask the girl how she feels.

A moment with you is just like a day in heaven, everything else comes to a standstill and things around become so beautiful all of a sudden. Time starts ticking faster than usual and I'm racing with time, it's moving way too fast and it's ending my day so soon, so much faster than I want it to. It just plays me out, it never moves faster when I needed it to, but races ahead of me whenever I'm enjoying my moments.

The situation is bad. You have the best of both worlds. I want to give you the best of both worlds, but I don't see an end in mind. I'm navigating my way around in complete darkness, with only my arms to feel the way to the light at the end of everything but I have no idea what I'm stepping on or what's coming my way. It's directionless and there's no end to it. Nobody wants to be on a journey without a destination, it's hard being a blind man with your emotions on the line.

Nothing's looking my way, that I know. I know why I'm still holding on but there were so many times I needed to breathe because it hurt so bad. Still, I told myself that I need to be brave and grit my teeth through all these obstacles, but I realized every time I trip over an obstacle, it is just so hard to get back up on my feet.

This is a race, an unfair race. No matter what I do, it will always be one notch below what he does for you. In theory, it's perfectly logical but in reality, it's almost impossible to accept. It defeats me everytime I see how my efforts are overwhelmed by his simple deeds. I can't help but stare in awe as I see my kingdom of efforts being crushed by a powerful palm. I feel so empty. It is always logical to think that it is not worth it to be investing your time and effort that reaps nothing at the end of the day. It's conspicuous that whatever I do, it will not change anything. Things will still be the way they are, I'm just a powerless governor in my own country.

I'm a simple guy who's easily contented, that's of course, I just want to be with the girl I really love and I don't think that's too much to ask for. 

You are a thousand miles away and all I can do is just admire you from that thousand miles. You're way out of my reach, you're too far away. I know that you'll always be that far away from me and all I can see is your backview.

I'm losing this unfair race. I'm sprinting with all my strength to compete with him on a pair of blades in this marathon, but who sprints in a marathon? This is a losing battle for me, I didn't declare myself a loser, neither did I give up before the race started, the situation did, reality did.

I'm an option to you, I'll always be an option but never your choice.

That's how cruel this is. The TV told me that the most sincere guy will win a pretty girl's heart even though he's nerdy. But this is all just a pack of lies. It never happens.
 
You could make my dream come true, but I know that you won't.

Things are getting messed up in our heads, but my exit would probably clear up all the mess. Life will still be good without me becuase you're with him. I'll never be significant to you when there's him, neither would you chase after me if I were to walk away. There are things which I know will never happen, still, I wish for them to happen.

You'd ask me to move on because I don't think it affects you.

I could say that at least I know that I really loved a girl in this life, so truly, madly, deeply and for so long in time, just that things never happened the way I wanted them to.

You make me feel like I'm floating on a cloud, with your hand in mine. As we drift through the clouds, every moment feels so real and wonderful. It's really so blissful to be having such a moment with you.

How can I ever forget that smile on your face, that smile stays etched in my memory and it slowly becomes part of everything that keeps me going everyday, it becomes something which makes me smile. It leaves such a big impact that it makes me smile as I think about it.

I feel like I can do so much more with you, but who am I to say all these now? Please don't pull me back to reality. It really sucks to be knowing that the cloud that I was on with you has disappeared by snapping your finger just like that.

When I'm with you, I wish time could come to a standstill, so that I can just take a good look at you, take a mental shot of you, so that as I close my eyes, you are all that comes to my mind. If only time could tick a little slower, I could have more time to treasure every moment better with you.

I could take endless walks with you in the night. I could ride on endless bus rides with you. Everything that happens with you just feels so good that it becomes a daily dosage of happy pill.

I wish I really could be in the right frame of time to have all these running through me.

 I know this would be coming my way,

but my  heart is not prepared for the worst.

Am I asking for the truth slapped right in my face?

I contradict myself, 

I can't think straight at all.

I'm deluding myself in my own ideas of perfection, 

which I clearly know are far from possible. 

Neither could I face up to reality. 

On one hand, 

I wish that by anticipating the worst, 

the best will make me smile in return, 

for being sensible as to not to get my hopes up high, 

but what are the chances of it happening that way?

I would like to be able to put a number to the number of zeros after the decimal place.

It always happens the opposite way. 

What can I really expect from a ship punctured with holes?

I can't see it moving towards it's destination. 

It's sinking with every inch forward.

I'm bruised, with an open wound hidden inside me, 

I need my first aid kit, 

but it's not here with me, 

it's somewhere near a place where I can never reach, 

how long can I stay injured for? 

But I sense another bomb coming my way, 

a larger bomb, 

the previous one was silent, 

now this bomb speaks, 

this bomb spurts acid out on my wound,


I don't know what will happen this time round, 

I haven't been able to think straight for so long, 

if I were able to, 

I wouldn't be in square one after so long, 

I have made progress, little progress if not significant ones. 

With myself not being able to think straight, 

how can I even find myself a solution to get myself out of this whole mess I got myself into?


I don't really dare to hope for the best, 

because anything less than that will be nothing less than a disappointment.

Neither do I dare to hope for the worse, 

because it just leaves me staring into blank space, 

pondering how bad it will be, 

the human mind tends to scare us before anything happens. 

I'm caught right in the middle. 

I want to be positive, 

but I don't have the capacity to bear the damage of anything lesser than the best.


I hope there are eyes above, 

to be benevolent, 

and not to let another bomb come my way. 


My country is in ruins, 

anything further damage will send it 10,000 feel below the sea level, 

I don't want to call it Atlantic City. 


I want to be in Heaven. 

 I've told you how I felt about you, 

I know it's way too late, 

but at least I told you what I needed to. 

You could ignore me all your life, 

you could pretend that I never existed,

you could pretend that my messages were never in your inbox, 

but, 

I know you won't deprive yourself of having a guy who loves you so much in your life.

'He' is probably in your life, 

and you're going head over heels over him, 

still, 

I needed to tell you how much I felt for you. 

You probably will never be convinced by what I've said because I never showed it with my actions, 

but I had my reasons.

I wished I could tell you my reason, 

I know, 

this is nevertheless not a reason to you, 

because it does not matter,

you're adaptable, I know.

But it matters to me, 

My Christmas can  never be complete without you with me. 


I know that this is unfair, 

but what's fair to us? 

Nothing. 

I think I gave too much, 

and hurt myself in the end. 

I put you before myself, 

and forgot that I was human, one with feelings.

I gave it all that I could ever have. 


I told you what I needed to, 

I wish you would say something back.

But what can I expect you to say? 

What's there left for you to say? 

Have you ever realized yourself being desperate in front of others? And more commonly seen, you often get tremendously upset and helpless when someone refuses to give you what you want/your way.

It is just recently that I realized that, sometimes, letting others know what is important to you and showing it can really be a spot where others can attack you and beat you down, leaving you to the mercy of their whims and fancy. We all have to admit when we want something badly and make it obvious, we really feel miserable whenever the person try to tantalize us with what we want for their own fetish - to see us want something that they can give us, so badly. Then I realized, somewhat, showing a person what we really want is as good as exposing your weakness and big room for others to take advantage of. Frankly speaking, it is a very simple theory, in words, if a person makes you unhappy, you just walk away and stop talking to that person, that eliminates the source of unhappiness but in reality, there is just too much complexity to it when we try to bring ourself to do it. It always takes a bigger man to say NO to his desires and it is just so simple and convenient for us to lose our cool when we don't get what we want and this gives pleasure to people who are holding on to what we want.

I have been doing quite a fair share of thinking over these few days. Lately, someone has been playing around with my heartstrings so badly that I end up being miserable and angsty on my own with the person not giving two hoots about my emotional state and just carried on with what she was doing, with the perfect knowledge of the repercussions of her actions. It was like de javu, I felt myself going through the same thing I did two years ago, the exact same thing. I really hated that feeling, it put me out of all sorts, making me distracted with my work and impatient with people making small requests in my ears. In the process, I unknowingly offend my buddies and people construe that act as an air of arrogance. I really had enough of it, I know my way out of all these, out of this whirlpool which sucked my safety harness away. I was thinking to myself, if the person does not care about my feelings or my emotional health, I ought to start lending myself a shoulder and a listening ear, I should start loving myself and not try to put myself in other people's shoes.

More importantly, I will start telling myself that nothing in my life is really important to me and remain indifferent when someone tries to threaten me with my requests. These two words can somehow be powerful if you know how to use it 'I'm easy' (with anything). I used to penalize the guy for saying such things which makes him look like he does not really care. But few months later, I realized that I am actually growing to say such a thing. Somehow or rather, I don't get myself hurt in the end and I become more easy with things that does not go my way.

Many people often like to comment that this fella is being too petty, thinking too much or reading too much into things, and most of the times, using this as a method to try to make the person feel bad for pointing out a mistake and indoctrinating a person into thinking he's just being too anal about issues at hand. More often than not, these people like to portray themselves in the alpha top dog male light, with the male masculinity on the pedestal with topics revolving around physical size, height, intelligence, rank, prospects and potentials etc. The ludicrous thing is that some fools can make a big story out of something which has not came true and by the mere mention of it, it's as though he is already at where he wants to be. I was doing some thinking, perhaps the problem lies with me, I have been too particular about details and meticulous with my handling of things. I realized that it is the norm to go back on your word and demand a smile back in return. When the smile fails to come, accusations of being petty will start flying in the air, especially when someone gets angry after being stood up on. It is important to me that we mean what we say, keep our promises like a man (especially if the gender of the person making the promise is a male). Much to my dismay, too much irresponsible attitude have been displayed repeatedly in front of my eyes, on different occasions and by different people. In light of such a predicament, it is pretty apparent that the problem probably lies with me, and that I should swallow my beliefs, my principles so I can be with the crowd. I have been thinking the one with a problem was me because I have been getting similar responses from different people. Then, I realized that actually, they are of the same personalities which explains the same words coming out of their gaps. In addition to that, there are many new people I have met who hold the exact same belief as me. Off the top of my head, my upperstudy is the older replica of me, with the exact same thinking, temperament, thoughts and beliefs.

At least I'm not an alien.

I always tell Gracia not to be so stubborn with the way she thinks and her beliefs that have been ingrained in her. I always painstakingly emphasized that point but to my greatest horror, Í am just a pot calling the kettle black.

So why should I make anything in my life important to me and let others watch me desperate and frantic as they take away what is important to me?

Moreover, the most important person in my life has already disappeared into thin air, nothing else really matters anymore.


Anyway, I was riding the bus home today and came up with something which I would say is my quote of the day. (:


"You showed me what happiness was with three simple words, 'I love you' "

I have to say that there is one category of people whom I really detest: Those who never want to admit their mistake, start pointing fingers at others and never ever realize their mistake. I really find that these people are downright pathetic. They never ever realized that what they did to others was wrong and continue with the mindset that what they have done was justified. These people can be associated with one trait, being that they would often give reasons and long stories as to why they would do something and at times, making other people's mistakes a a reason for theirs. Sometimes I do not see what's so difficult in admitting your mistake and making the effort to change. It bewilders me as to why these people never want to improve their own characters and be a better person for the society. Is it seriously so difficult? If the reason to living isn't to be a better person, then why bother continue living in this world where everyone is striving to be the best for themselves?

Lately, I noticed that people love using this as a reason: You are too sensitive, you are thinking too much. It is such a convenient route of escaping from a situation and on the same side, the blame is pushed to the other person's plate, making him/her look like the petty and immatured one. It is so saddening these people never bothered putting themselves in the shoes of the receiving end. At times, holding on to a belief of our own too tightly may not be a good thing. There is a stark difference between being stubborn and being determined. Holding on to a belief too tightly may just be seen as inconsiderate to the other party's feelings because the person is not aware of the repercussions of his/her actions and insist that he/she is right.

I have a good friend, I thought that she was really a good friend whom I can call my 'soulmate' or 'buddy'. For some reason, she was able to tell me stuff that the whole wide world would deem as wrong and condemn what she was doing. Somehow or rather, this 'soulmate' of mine, decided that ONE-WORD replies are the norm between friends and decides that friends talk this way on the pretext of claiming that she's just being honest with her feelings. Come up with a story that I am making things worst (by asking how your day was and showing concern as a friend?) Honestly, I'm getting so fed up with this 'soulmate' of mine. This isn't even a FRIEND to start things off with, much less a soulmate. How is it possible that a person can be so busy to even have a friend?

I was never accustomed with the fact that I had such a self-centered and selfish friend in my life. I tried my best to be a good friend, a good listening ear. But it turns out that some people have an issue and bites on the belief that they are not doing anything wrong and points a finger at others, with a sentence 'You are too sensitive, you are thinking too much' (this really irks me).

Why do I need a friend like you who only cares about themselves? :)

Today's a good day! Tommorrow's going to be a good day!

Want to know how ungraceful Singaporeans can be? There can be a long long queue at the ATM machine during after office hours and one by one, everyone turns back after they try slotting their card in. Guess the message on the screen: This ATM Service Is Temporarily Unavailable. The best part is that nobody bothers to tell the people at the back as they walk past the queue in the opposite direction. Know what is on their mind? "I queued so long, why should I let you have the 'shortcut' ." And as a result of such ungraceful behaviour, everybody queues for an unavailable ATM machine like idiots. HAHA! And I happened to be one of them in the queue. :)



'You are the answer to the riddle in my mind'

je t'aime :)

At times, I really ask myself why did I have to bother to do so many things for you.

I had this premonition that you went for Red Camp. I fell into deep silence because I felt so disturbed that you were at the camp and your phone was engaged for the whole day that I was trying to contact you. You ignored my messages although I asked where you were. I sat down on my chair and tried to calm myself down but deep down within me, I was furious, I felt so cheated. I remembered that you said that you wanted to find out more about the polytechnic itself but you never went to its Open House, neither did you bother finding out about the Open House dates. You claimed that you were unaware of the fact that polytechnics have Open Houses (seriously, who will believe you? It is everywhere that Polys, Universities have open houses to attract incoming students), even if there was a case of an Open House not widely publicized, it'd be more probably a Junior College's. So how am I supposed to believe you? You suggested that you were going for the second half of the first day of the Red Camp because you wanted to find out about the courses which I thought was absolutely reasonable and great. But today, I had to discover that you went for the Red Camp already. Why do I always feel that you are always having me on? First, you created such a lousy lie about getting to know about the Open House schemes that polys have planned and now you are spinning another tall tale about your purpose of attending the Red Camp.

Just last night, you walked off without even saying anything while I rested my forehead on my fingers to give myself a break from all the stress that you were giving me. You even had the cheek to say that I asked you to make a move first (and was I supposed to go back home alone although we are taking the MRT in the same direction?) Seriously, I wonder what is going through your mind to even be doing such a thing. Something that I could not understand why you even half-raised your voice at me like you were on the verge of crying when you said that you didn't have sufficient money to top up your card, but you DO HAVE enough to buy a standard ticket to ferry yourself back home. You always felt that I would have more things to blackmail you about because you owed me money but when have I ever done that? All that I requested for was for you to be more grateful with the way you treat me and not only be nice to me just after you receive any form of help, thereafter, you start reverting back to your old temperaments (like a timed-bomb). Seriously, is this too much to ask for from you when I never ever hesitated to help you? You always claim that it is relating to your financial affairs, but have you ever looked deeper into the lines? I justt want you to be happy and not worry about having to fall short of cash? I cannot believe that a person can be so persistent with giving reasons when he/she is obviously in the wrong. You claimed that you felt so humiliated and hurt by me but think closely, I never engineered my style of talking to you to the side of hurling personal insults and verbal humiliation. I merely used all the hurting things that you said and repeated them in an ultra sarcastic manner right back into your face. You always claim that you are the one who is upset, bullied, oppressed. You have always claimed yourself to be the 'victim' of the consequences of anything that has happened and also always the incessant party who says "I give up" as though you have tried your best and I have failed you. I was writing a post halfway this morning after reaching camp after the whole sagacity of this incident but I realised that I did not feel strongly enough to churn out an entry (it probably suggested that this does not affect me too much) but after hearing that you attended the Red Camp, I felt so inspired to write something like this.

All the talking out of goodwill in pleasant circumstances never worked on you. I used to think that you probably would learn better by the hard way but it never happened the way I wanted it to turn out. Instead, you turned rebellious and went into crazy frenzies of anger. Now that I tried to use the soft approach, I tried looking for a suitable opportunity to talk to you in the nicest tone that I could ever find in my personality but IT STILL NEVER WORKED. I only felt that you understood there and then and thereafter, you forget everything that I said to you and you start behaving as though I never made mention about those things that I have said to you that faithful night.

I have been waiting by my phone hoping to receive your replies but I have been waiting in vain. I know that you have no damn obligation to tell me that you were intending to go for the Red Camp, but somehow I have this silent expectation of you that at least you would just tell me since I expressed some unhappiness over this Red Camp issue. Moreover, for the fact that you went for the camp today makes your motive and agenda very clear.

At times, I ask myself, why was I so foolish to continue things with you when it was so obvious that things were not working out and there was a better option there waiting for me to experience it, but have you ever asked yourself whether you should PULL UP YOUR SOCKS and be aware of who may be losing or dealing with? NOOOOOOOOO! You did not, instead, the monster temper came and you gave me a harder time with all your 'skeptism' and 'it is unbelievable that you would like me'. Oh please, why do you even behave this way and what the hell is even in your god damn head to even behave this way?!! I tried putting this across to you in the best of mannerism and you just conveniently ignored this. How can you even not be aware of the situation and you even get fed up. Come to think of it, I gave J up and your temper got from WORSE to HOPELESS, this is RIDICULOUS!! What the fucking hell?!?! You did not even know the stakes that I was gambling with and you conveniently just lose your temper to your whimps and fancy (you don't even behave like a grown up to start things off)

You have always complaint that I was writing about her, now that I'm writing about you, are you pleased to see your name appearing everywhere in my sentences just that it is so hidden from the naked eye? You always say that I write in such a way that J is so perfect and good, you are probably going to complain that I am not writing anything good about you. Come on, get fucking real, you do not expect someone to write something nice about someone else when the other person has done nothing good right? If you really want to have a good impression in other people's eyes, do something to earn it, don't just complain in envy without even realising what it takes to be in their situation (Don't even bother getting angry, it gets you nowhere).

I really hope that you are just behaving like this towards me and you are much different towards other people. Happy knowing all the people at Red Camp. Since you have made such a move, I don't think I want to see you again, neither would I want to turn back and talk to you ever again. I don't think you have the right to say "I give up" because you NEVER EVER tried. The moment you are encouraged to try, your fingers start pointing at me and start questioning me why am I not putting in the same level of commitment.

Honestly, I'm tired of explaining things to you. It is just me talking to the wall, the blockhead wall.

I don't hate you for my loss of chance to be with J, but you are just not worth it.

Damn mistake.

As I was walking into office today, the song 'Vanilla Twilight' was playing on my iPod, it was accompanying me on my long and boring walk into ISG. The song had a beautiful melody which painted a picture of a guy and a girl in each other's arms, sitting under the moonlight and just enjoying the night together, with the stars shining so brightly for them in the sky, it just made a perfect night.

I thought of this as I was listening to the song:

The spaces between my fingers is right where yours fit perfectly.
This is what's left of you in my mind - a blurred image of you, in my memories it will stay.
As I listen to the melody of Vanilla Twilight,
I wish the other earpiece was in your ear,
This way we could enjoy the song together,
You can hear what I'm listening to
and feel what I'm feeling,
like how two hearts would connect with each other.
If only my voice could go back to the past,
I'd whisper into your ears that I never wanted to let you go.
My heart yearns for you to fill the empty space which completes me.
The nights are always so different and empty without you,
because I know I won't be waking up in the mornings knowing that I'm yours,
I could forget the whole world that I'm living in, but,
I swear that I would never forget you.
I could sit on the front porch,
under the shimmery of the moonlight,
and think of you tonight,
because it makes me feel not alone.
I really wish you were right here by my side.

Anyway, apart from all these deep-felt stuff, I got my SAT results back today.

I felt so shocked when I saw my results. I owe my bad results to the fact that I never gave myself a timed-practice when I was preparing myself for the exam and often gave myself maximum time to optimize my scores. As a result, I did not make the mark for SMU's requirement and I feel totally AWFUL about myself.

I feel that I have been making so many mistakes in my life. I would remember the most recent one: I dropped the girl whom I was waiting for years. More importantly, people in my life aren't exactly giving me a good time and they make me feel so dispensable. To top it all, I cannot even do the SAT properly, get a good score and use it to back my university application up. I feel awfully useless, it feels that nothing is going right in my life now.

If only you knew what my heart must do for you. I just realised that once the chance slips us by, there is this possibility that it will never come by in our tiny lives anymore. Just like I let that happen to me, I let this chance which I held so close to my heart for so long and never had the courage to make a decision to go for what I wanted.

I have been trying to maintain this composure that a guy ought to have, as our gender would suggest, we portray an image of composed, calm, rational, gentlemanly etc. The funniest part about this is that these four qualities are so deep in meaning as compared to the simplicity that the spelling shows. I struggled immensely with myself when I tried to be all those four qualities mentioned. I was at odds with myself, I was in a dilemma with myself about being someone guided by principles or being someone who goes for what he wants. Then popped the question about being a bastard who chooses the wrong moments to jump the line when in the first place, the girl whom he was waiting for for over two years came knocking on his door and he turned his back on her.

It got me pretty exhausted to be fighting myself all the time that I desperately wanted to take a break and a great escape from all these. I stopped thinking about all these things for so long but I guess that I was just running in circles this whole time and I was getting myself nowhere after all these days have passed me by.

I have to admit that I never knew how to really love a girl and always put my interests at heart before anything else. I was self-centered, naive and caught myself in a spiral of unhappiness which I could never extract myself from. It still remains vividly in my memory how I first met her. My first impression of her was just a plain Jane, simple girl who loves to laugh alot but then, a part of me already wanted to see her another time and I pretended to be cool about her being at my cousin's 21st when in fact, I was leaping with joy inside me. Ironically, I can forget what I had for lunch just yesterday but I could remember every single outing that I had with her, where we went and stuff. Most importantly, the feeling still remains so fresh inside me and I feel it everyday. 

It was heavenly to be with someone second to none when everyone you see in town. Honestly speaking, in terms of appearance, she was so different from the girl I desired to be with, as what we call our 'dream partner'. Nevertheless, that never crossed my thoughts because I was so engrossed with appreciating her character, her personality and stuff.

I told myself, I'm going to remember every single moment that I spent with her because I never knew when the next opportunity would come knocking on my door and I glad, I really did. I also have to admit that I was really shocked when I found out that the guy who was with this girl was my CCA junior. Many people retorted "SO what?", the point lies herein the fact that it was someone so unexpectedly close to you, someone you knew who jumped the line. On the surface, I was saying 'YEAH, they are blessed, it's cooool' but in my mind I was chanting 'fuck it, fuck it'. I have to admit that I handled it pretty badly and my actions were nowhere near 'qualities of a gentleman'. I screwed up. 

Now, here I am, writing this after more than a month, it seems so overdued that I'm writing all these. At least, I am able to say with composure when I see a photo of both of them 'My, they are sweet together, hey that guy is sweet' while last time, I would be going 'fuck this bastard..' Improvement?. Somehow my mind simply refuses to let go of anything.

Honestly, it feels like the person is still hanging around in my life although she has clearly made her exit.

Man, why am I writing all these. Now that I have written all these, it feels weird thinking about what I just wrote. Rats!

During the genting trip, there was this particular part of the trip where I remembered the best. The group of us, Junius, Javier, Terence, Doline, Chun Lih, David Tng, Jun Yuan, Leon, we walked down the slope from our hotel where it was a chilly 15 deg with the cold breeze blowing past us. We decided to have coffee together at 2am and I felt the warmth of having coffee together around a small rectangle table where everyone would snuggle up against each other and enjoy hot coffee while the cold wind was still blowing outside of Old Town White Coffee House. It was really a very lovely moment when everyone gathered, chatted about their lives in Singapore, talked about themselves, the rides we took, our trip to KL, food we ate, people we saw, dress sense of the Malaysians which we thought were peculiar. I told myself, this was better than the serial drama 'Friends' where 6 of them would gather at Central Perks for coffee every evening and hang out. I did not realise that it was hard to keep everybody gelled together and it was not near possible that we could hang out on weekends as the 'Genting Gang'. It sounds childish, but I really appreciate these buddy bonds. One thing happened after one another and honestly, I'm also pretty exhausted by most things happening around me.  

Lately, I have been stuck in the middle. I have been very apprehensive about making decisions. I fear the reprecussional effects of my decisions and am just afraid of bearing the consequences. I just realised the power of illusions and how happy fantasies can make a person. Nevertheless, the relationship between the illusion and reality can be illustrated by the tortoise-and-the-hare analogy. Illusion - tortoise Reality - Hare. Reality will always catch up with our illusion no matter how far-fetched they get and at the end of everything, we all know that the hare will always reign victory over the slow tortoise.

But I guess when reality is staring straight in your face about something, it is only logical to learn how to accept reality, but as we always say "Easier said than done". More often than not, I have been staring into thin air and wondering why things have became like this. I just feel so numb and lost that I just want to drop everything down from my life and just be really happy, without the shackles of the decisions that I have made in the past and having to bear the consequences in the aftermath of it.

Anyway, yesterday was my grandfather's 83rd birthday! And he's still very healthy and kicking. I just heard from my dad that he goes swimming, brisk walking in the park every morning. It is really really remarkable for someone at that age to be still so healthy.

Here's a photo of our whole family together:





I know I have always been uploading many crappy shots and funny photos but I just lost the mood recently. Until I regain my old self, till then.

It's been so long since I last wrote in my journal. And there are so many things happening in my life. I have been transferred from SMTI to OETI, made new friends despite the cultural shock of the way things are being conducted, life became regimental once again and I survived it very well. I decided to walk separate ways from the person whom I used to call my girl. And now as I sit here and listen to the song that 'someone' sent to me, I really asked myself, what I was thinking, why didn't I grab that opportunity when she told me that she was ready to move one step further with me. I can't understand what I was thinking at that time.

Now that I see the person I have been waiting for with my NCC junior, it just gives a double killing effect for the very fact, I do know the guy and he is now with her. They are now into things, she gives him her first official kiss to the boy whom she feels the sparks with. He's really a blessed guy because she is really indeed a great girl to be with.

I can still feel the memories living vividly in my mind as I see the reindeer-in-a-bottle-of-water for my christmas present last year. I really like things that she makes on her own, just makes me feel her sincerity and effort that she places in things that she does. But as I look at the jar that she gave me, I can only re-collect the two simple days I had with her, as usual, simple days are always the best.

The worst part is that the guy who once congratulated me when I received my rank promotion is dating the girl I like for two years after barely knowing her for months. I liked her for two years, and only dared to express it once or twice because I always feared that she will feel uncomfortable and uneasy which may in turn drive a wedge in between our friendship, and I never wanted that to happen. But after a few months, POP POP, he is with him and she is going GAGA over him. I always feel that we need to know how it is like to not have someone when we want that person badly, then we will know how to appreciate the presence of that person. This is just so unfair. I know I only have myself to blame.

I'm thinking, WHAT If I made a different decision back then? Would things be different and so much better than how it is now? I thought that by having busy days, I would be able to take my mind off that 'someone' but I realised that I'm so wrong. Things never gotten better and I was just deluding myself into thinking that I really could switch my mind off.

So many a times, I am so tempted to tell her that there are exceptions that guys won't like girls who are already attached but I always counter-question myself - Who am I to say this now? I had my chance, I chose to leave it. But honestly, I feel so miserable as I hear how she kissed him blah blah blah, how he is going to her house when I only could see her house from a distance when I sent her home at night.

What If, What If, I took the other option back then.

Now that I'm turning 19 in a few days' time, I ask myself what do I really want at 19.

I still remembered what happened during my 17th birthday. It was really a pleasant surprise.

Now that I'm already 19, things are so different.

Oh man. I don't want to turn 19.

Sometimes life's just so ironical,things that we badly want to happen never really happens but the worst always comes our way when we are particularly at our lowest. At every juncture we face in life, we always are placed in a situation whereby we are cornered into making decisions which more often than not brings us to unforeseen circumstances.

It's a simple illustration when you don't know what you're stepping on ahead of you as you take the next step forward and for all you know, you may be setting foot on a land-mine. But come to think of it, we always do calculate risk and dangers before going forth with our decisions and start weighing the pros and cons of our decided choice. More often than not, it leaves us sitting on the fence, without being able to decide which side of the pasture is greener and which side of the coin is more shiny. Then again, we also have instances whereby we are forced to choose from both disadvantageous choices and the ballgame is changed: Make a decision which brings less harm and unhappiness to oneself.

More ironical than it always have been, at times, we are well-aware of consequences of decisions that we make in our lives; be it good or bad, when wise words sound us out that this choice is unfavourable, we will always have our dear ego on the line which infuses this surmountable strength and determination to prove what we have been hearing erroneous. But along the way with the decision we have made, we often forget how determined we used to be and the strength has just been drained from our inner-self subconsciously. It is then, we start to back track and ask ourselves rhetorical questions like "why on earth am I here?" or "why did I make this decision? If only.." Somehow, when things go wrong in our lives, we always have so many "If onlys" this and that. 

This words always resonate in our ears, "Don't look back after making your decision, move along with it", but it is probably human nature to always speculate and ponder the consequences of the other decision should we have decided to go along with the other option. It is so ironical that we always think that the other option is always the better one from the one that we are in now. 

Then sometime in life, when we get heated in an argument, we start to wonder why we even got so worked up after every thing's over, we start to brainstorm a thousand and one methods to prevent that disaster from befalling on the situation, words like "we should have, I should have. "start to penetrate our reflective minds and sink into our guilty souls. 

The whole ironical thing about human behaviour is really amazing, when something goes wrong in our life, we often tend to think that everything around us is also going wrong. And surprisingly, as we can't put a valve to it, the magnitude of severity of things start to magnify itself, things become so serious to our inner conscious minds and worries start to flood our troubled self. When this spirals out of control, we start to feel numb about everything, the heart starts to harden and the brain shuts itself out from the world and the happenings. Our mind takes a break, but the burden of the incidents continue to haunt. Unfortunate it can be, our mind fails to generate any solutions nor produce some positive juices to convince ourselves that actually it is only a small matter and things are not as bad as we make it out to be. Self-exaggeration which inflicts self-harm can really be very destructive, if you realise.
 
That's why the saying goes, "We are our greatest enemy"

Independence can be a very ambiguous virtue. It really has a very wide range in terms of varying its meanings. It may be used in doing our own chores, settling our own financial issues, emotional problems etc. But more often than not, when we are down in life, we often yearn for a nice and understanding friend who will be there to empathise with our downcast situation and provide a perk in our lives so we can rise on our feets again;  like how we used to be. That's basically why they say, "That's what friends are for, right?" And we receive a friendly punch. But just as we would love others to be such a stand-by-you soul in our lives, we take our own initiatives to start the ball rolling and hopefully receive the same type of support when we are down. But little did we realise that such contributions does not necessarily earn the same level of commitment back in return. Instead, we may be greeted with indifference and complacency: Our goodwill goes one way and never the other back. Everything from us can be treated for granted and an entitlement. And when we do ever try approaching the person for some support, we will receive a realists as a supporter with words that haven't gone through the mince-meat machine. Words that can penetrate through your vulnerable heart and trample on your already battered state of mind and everything's attributed to : INDEPENDENCE.
Isn't it so amazing how much this word INDEPENDENCE can mean in different situations to a bothered and self-centered soul?

Some wise soul told me "What makes you, breaks you". I seriously did see a meaning to it. And many forms of unhappiness in life is often caused by the unwillingness of the mind to accept changes.

"He who learns to accept will be better off"

But we also learn that it is more always more difficult to act it out than it is to say it. We also have to understand what it really takes to "ACCEPT" because the 6-lettered word is so harmless on it's own. And this harmless word is often translated in tough situations where we often have to swallow things that we don't like down our throats and in some cases, forced down our throats and the word "ACCEPT" becomes the only form of consolence and solution for a  happier livelihood in whatever situations we are entrenched in.

So to say, what are friends really for? Asking you to be independent when you are under mental torment while you try your best to be a good friend when he/she is riding through the rocky periods of their lives? Perhaps.

I guess that's how we grow, how we mature, how our thinking starts to evolutionalise from a naive and think-I-know-it-all kid to someone who knows their capabilities and put it to good use in their lives. We grow being INDEPENDENT and learning how to accept the worst things that can even happen in our lives.

Simultaneously, we learn our selfish nature of our friends and how self-centered humans can be.

That seriously is a golden lesson in life we should always keep etched in our hearts because it is usually the hardest lessons we learn that we often remember for good.




 

I probably should have realised the interconnection between humans and education. There is always this general trend that one tends to act more rationally with higher education levels and their thoughts are behaviour are usually governed by logic and ration, on the other hand, humans with lower education often tend to have low self-esteem and tend to behave irrationally without any form of reason behind their actions. 

I do not usually have a incessant habit of looking at these people with elitist's eyes but at times, such disgusting behaviour can be so overwhelming that it can really be a turn off. Any one who passes the criterias of the test is given the authority of being a leader. But this ambiguity is very apparent everywhere we go: How suitable is this person as a leader? Does he possess the aptitude of  being a leader and the emotional stability and sense to lead? It's just like anyone wearing an officer rank is commissioned for a purpose: TO LEAD, whereas all the others are just given with experience, but this does not exactly confer them with the ability to lead. Some just rise up the hiearchy due to their loyalty in service but in actual, they don't really have much other substance in them.

With education comes greater wisdom, at least, humans with a decent level of education tend not to be frivolous and irritable with the way they carry themselves.

At times, I really wonder what goes through their livewires to even utter certain things which a person in a right level of intellect will never even think of saying. It continues to bewilders me how some lower lifeforms can be so oblivious to opinions of them and condescending stares falling on them. They continue in their state of arrogance and enter a whirlpool of thoughts where they think that they obestinately insist on things which are so out-of-the-world to any normal human beings. 

They can even bring themselves to behave in a un-self-conscious way and do flippant things which blatantly illustrates their level of intelligence. Even their attempts to prove a point in a sarcastic way can be so bad that it is rewarded with a cynical snigger from eyes of passer-bys. Their methods are just too incompetent and the hilarious thing is that they think that they have done a good job in putting a person down and making the other party guilty of themselves. But little do they know, the effect is always the exact opposite: They are being mocked at and does not even affect the slightest bit of us. 

And when this happens, they start to maximise their authority. But the fact today is that good leaders are charismatic even though they are not physically charming. But their way around with their team-mates are commendable and they usually have good calamadarie with their men. That would be how an educated leader would think. They win respect instead of demanding. The god damn amphlet in the middle of their chest is just a statement that they have undergone courses but that doesn't mean that they have what it takes to lead.

It is indubitable that respect has to be given to the amphlet that they are wearing since that's the way the institute functions. But then, again, respect is won when the authority is exerted for a good cause and not for personal gains and oppression against others.

Perhaps I can conclude that these people are just lower-lifeforms. They self-assume humans without any respect for human beings and do not even bother to purse their lips knowing that they already look like an animal. They do not have basic etiquettes and morales infused into their daily lives, so how different are they from animals that we see in the Singapore Zoological Gardens? Aren't they just animals with the ability to speak?

Pathetic lower-lifeforms I have to say, really pathetic, without a place in the society that leaves them a choice to go under protected shelters where they can abuse their authorities and oppress against those who are doing mandatory duties. Total losers I would say, they are more than half way into their coffins yet their brains have not developed.

How sad right? Especially when they lack pleasant physical appearance and still have the cheek to step out of home (that's commendable), but it is alright. I was taught not to discriminate against people who don't look like humans, but at least, act like one. It makes the camouflage less offensive to other normal humans who can never accept such inhumane people walking around like gorillas.

Cheers.

I have to say, life's plagued with too much intricacy lately. Things around me are getting the better of me and it's a matter of time that I crumble under the pressure placed on me.

I start to imagine my friends in OCS while I'm stuck in a place of nowhere without any direction that I can foresee and define. All the hassle that I have been going through with issues regarding to my medical conditions. I need to go through check ups, screening of the fussy medical officer from china (in camp) who will give me excuse sheets with maximum stinginess. His hesitation and skeptical indifferent stares just make me feel worst each time I have to go back to the medical center.

Everything's just moving on so slowly which makes me feel worst about having no direction in life now.

NTU's rejected me way beyond the appeal date which clearly suggests me not having a place and this sucks totally because my friends around me have already gotten their places in university. It's like they have a future already, they have already stepped in to an open door while all doors  have  been  shut on me. I think about the application issues and the course I want to do, and the chances of me getting in is so uncertain. It's like when I look into details of things I am worried about, I start to become more skeptical about seeing myself having a place in the future and feel more defeated each time I try to iron things out in my head.

Things are just so wrong and I feel so lost.